


i never loved someone (the way i loved you)

by fluorescent_adolescent13



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Happy ending don't worry, Police AU, angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluorescent_adolescent13/pseuds/fluorescent_adolescent13
Summary: Emma shook her head slightly, feeling a lump rise in her throat. “You’re my partner. I’m always going to have your back.”“I’m always going to have your back too.”It had been almost three weeks since Emma Nolan’s partner had been shot on the job - three weeks since Alyssa had told her that she loved her, and then almost died.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan, Kaylee/Shelby (The Prom Musical)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	i never loved someone (the way i loved you)

**Author's Note:**

> where did this come from, you ask? i have no idea

Emma’s hand hesitated an inch or so away from the front door of Alyssa’s apartment. Her knuckles only grazed the wood instead of the hard knock that she had been psyching herself up to make. She wasn’t sure why she had lost her nerve all of a sudden. It wasn’t like she hadn’t been in that exact spot a thousand times before. Hell, some weeks she found herself in Alyssa’s apartment more than in her own. In the space of a couple of weeks though, it was like everything had changed, and suddenly standing in front of her partner’s door felt more unfamiliar than it ever had before.

It wasn’t _bad_. That wasn’t it. It was just different.

Emma puffed her cheeks out, willing her nervousness that had long settled in the pit of her stomach to dissipate. She stole a glance down to the bag in her other arm. She’d stopped by at the grocery store on her way there, having been volunteered by Barry that afternoon to bring Alyssa some supplies. A silence had fallen over the room at the older detective’s suggestion. The blonde had gone from spending every waking minute glued to Alyssa’s bedside at the hospital to sinking down deep behind her desk at the mention of the brunette’s name alone. Even in a precinct full of police officers, their team didn’t have to be geniuses to realise that something had shifted between the pair.

Maybe some dinner would start to make up for it, Emma thought.

She rapped her knuckles against the door, listening carefully to the muffled shuffles on the other side. Eventually though, she was met with Alyssa’s wide smile as she pulled open the door, and in that moment it felt like all the air had been sucked from Emma’s lungs in one sharp swoop. The blonde couldn’t help but notice how Alyssa was a little out of breath too, feeling guilty all of a sudden for making her take the journey to the door in the first place. 

“Hi,” Alyssa said softly, trying to be discrete as she leaned against the door for support.

“Hi,” Emma echoed back. 

“I was wondering when you were going to stop by and show your face.”

Emma gave her a small smile as she stepped forward into the apartment. She couldn’t help but notice the way that Alyssa protectively wrapped an arm around her stomach. “Yeah, I was too.” Alyssa looked better though. That was what Emma kept telling herself with every glance that she snuck. A far cry from a few weeks ago, that was for sure. “I’m sorry about that. I brought you a few things.”

“Buying your way to forgiveness, Nolan?” she joked.

Emma made a beeline for the kitchen, hoping that she could occupy herself with putting away the groceries before any sore questions started cropping up. “That depends. Is it working?”

Alyssa hummed, searching her partner’s features for a moment. There was something more to her apology than the blonde was saying in words. Like there was something thick and unspoken in the air between them that she didn’t want to acknowledge. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind. She didn’t have the energy to go down that rabbit hole tonight. “Do you want to stay for dinner? I haven’t eaten yet and the company would be nice.”

“That would be nice,” Emma nodded. She motioned to the couch behind the brunette, sensing the reason behind the small crease that had formed between her brows. “Go lie down, ‘Lys. You shouldn’t push yourself too hard. I’ll rustle something up.”

She watched as Alyssa made her way back over to the couch again - back to the pile of blankets that she’d no doubt resigned herself to ever since she had come home. Emma’s eyebrows furrowed as she watched the brunette try and sit down, sliding uncomfortably back onto the cushions. Alyssa’s expression contorted as she let out a heavy breath.

“ _Shit_.”

“Are you okay?” Emma asked immediately, rounding on her with a concerned look. “Can I get you anything? Some painkillers or a glass of water?”

“I’m okay,” Alyssa nodded, still easing herself down and trying to find a comfortable position. “Just a little sore. My medication is on the counter by the coffee-”

“On it.”

Alyssa took a few deep breaths to steady herself. For the most part she’d managed to take things easy that day. There wasn’t really much else for her to do when she was stuck at home without work except for suffer through daytime television or catch up on some reading. It didn’t seem to matter how easy she took it though, the pain in her chest was hell bent on lingering as long as they could. The bruising on her ribs was starting to fade now though, and that was one subtle reminder that she was healing that kept her going for now. 

She took the pill packet from Emma gratefully, and the glass of water that the blonde handed her straight after with a sheepish smile. When Emma emerged again from the kitchen fifteen minutes or so later, with two bowls in hand, Alyssa was already feeling a little brighter than she had been before. She flickered from one television channel to the next, trying to pretend that she hadn’t been watching Emma’s every move while she cooked, and eventually settled on the news - if only for a dull layer of noise to fill the quiet space between them when necessary. Emma sat down on the opposite end of the couch, waiting with bated breath as Alyssa pushed herself back up again - albeit with a lot more ease than she had earlier. Emma figured that her painkillers must have been kicking in.

“This smells so good,” Alyssa hummed as Emma handed her over her bowl.

“It’s just a simple sauce,” Emma shrugged. “Besides, you looked like you were in need of a home cooked meal. I saw the takeout containers in the bin.”

She didn’t mention that the containers that she’d seen were mostly half empty, or that Alyssa looked like she was withering away to nothing. The bags beneath Alyssa’s eyes were almost dark enough to rival Emma’s and there was a thinness to her cheeks that hadn’t been there before. It brought on an intense feeling of guilt that Emma hadn’t been anticipating. She knew that she should have been there for Alyssa - making sure that she was alright instead of letting the brunette depend on whatever makeshift rota the team had thrown together to check in on her.

Alyssa pouted. “Do you realise how hard it is to even make a microwave meal when you’ve got broken ribs and a healing gunshot wound? Harder than I thought it was going to be anyway.”

Alyssa couldn’t help but smirk as she thought back to the previous day. She’d ended up on her ass when Kaylee had stopped by to help her with some of her laundry - too enthusiastic and thinking that she could push herself, as though she hadn’t gotten out of the hospital only a week or so earlier. That was probably why her ribs were aching fiercely now.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Emma replied firmly. 

“So,” Alyssa tried eventually, poking around her bowl as she searched for the right words. “Are you going to tell me why I haven’t seen you in...well, a while? I figured that you would at least have stopped by with a bunch of grapes or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Emma replied sincerely.

“Is that all that I get?” Alyssa joked.

“Alyssa, I was there every single day,” Emma continued, her expression unchanged even with the brunette’s attempt to lighten the mood. “I didn’t even go home some nights.”

Alyssa’s eyebrows pinched together. “Why did you stop?”

“I don’t know,” Emma shrugged. Her gaze dipped down to her pasta. It wasn’t as appealing as it had been before. “I can’t really explain myself. It was just a lot to deal with. I waited until you woke up, until I knew that you were okay, and then I started to feel everything that I had pent up in the meantime I guess.” Emma looked back up to the brunette again. She could already tell by the look in her eyes that she would be easily forgiven - even if she didn’t feel like she deserved it. No doubt Kaylee and Shelby had been playing devil’s advocate on her behalf. “Your mom was there too, so I felt like I could take a step back and process everything.”

“I could have used my partner there too.”

“I know,” Emma nodded.

There was a nagging thought in the back of Emma’s head. Maybe Alyssa didn’t remember what had happened after all. Either way, Emma knew that she couldn’t tell the whole truth. She couldn’t fathom the idea of losing Alyssa all over again.

* * *

Emma didn’t say a single word as they waited to hear from Alyssa’s surgeon. They had taken Alyssa to an operating theatre as soon as they had wheeled her into the building, barely stopping for a breath in the ER and leaving a bewildered Emma behind feeling like the very ground beneath her feet was crumbling. She had convinced one of the paramedics to let her ride along with Alyssa to the hospital, holding her hand as best she could while they worked around her. Those few minutes before the rest of their team arrived felt longer than the journey there though. 

It was quiet. 

The kind of quiet that rattled around your brain. That made your ears ring. All that Emma could think about was the final glimpse of brown hair that she’d caught as her partner’s gurney had been whisked away, and the fact that only an hour ago they were having an argument over where to get lunch that day. It seemed stupid now.

Emma didn’t even manage a word when Dee Dee had screamed at a nurse. In fact, she had barely glanced up. It wasn’t often that anyone on their team saw the older woman lose her cool but it wasn’t any usual day. The circumstances could let it slide. Even the nurse hadn’t taken it too personally. She could see in the Captain’s eyes what it meant to the police officers that were gathered in the already cramped waiting area, desperate for news.

Kevin sat next to Emma wordlessly, offering any support that he could with his presence alone, and Emma felt herself leaning into her friend to keep herself from keeling over all together. Eventually though, someone tried to make the first move.

“Let’s go get some air, Emma,” she heard Shelby say quietly from her other side. She hadn’t even realised that the detective had moved to sit next to her too. She placed a gentle hand on Emma’s arm but the blonde didn’t move. If it weren’t for the slight shake of her head in protest, Shelby would have thought that the blonde didn’t hear her at all. “Emma...?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she croaks suddenly, her throat dry and her voice full of pent up emotions.

“Em,” Shelby tried again. “Look at your hands.”

There was another protest on the tip of Emma’s tongue, ready to be fired out at a moment’s notice, but the other detective’s words piqued her interests. Her eyes flickered downwards at the mention of her hands, scanning over them carefully. It was everywhere. Alyssa’s blonde. Sure, she had known that it was there. She was practically covered in it, but it wasn’t until that moment that the realisation sunk in.

It was Alyssa’s blood.

A few hours later, when Alyssa finally came out of surgery, Emma found herself feeling more alive than she had been when she’d first stepped foot in the hospital. Someone had come along with a spare hoodie for her to change into and for the most past she had managed to clean herself up. There was mention of Alyssa’s mom coming to the hospital too, but that she was on the other side of the country and was struggling to get a flight. There wasn’t much doubt in Emma’s mind that she was going to stay by Alyssa’s side, but knowing that only strengthened her intentions. She wasn’t going anywhere.

It was only when she decided to take a break - a small break, she promised herself, of no longer than two hours - that she stopped by the precinct for the first time since the incident. All eyes seemed to be on Emma as she walked off the elevator, though her own eyes were focused solely on her desk. The blonde didn’t make it as far as that though before Dee Dee called her into her office, the older woman’s voice booming over the hustle and bustle of the floor. 

“Nolan,” Captain Allen said immediately, closing the door behind Emma just as she managed to steal one final glance at her desk. Or rather, the desk across from hers. Alyssa’s. She slumped down into one of the chairs in front of Dee Dee’s desk. “You need to go home.”

“I just wanted to pick up a few things,” Emma tried. “I have a few loose ends to tie up.”

Dee Dee shook her head, moving to lean against her desk. “Don’t worry about that for now. I’ll have Shields and Gonzalez take over your open cases.”

“But-” Emma shook her head.

Even under the circumstances her brain seemed to go into autopilot over work. It took her a second to realise that not only was it the right thing to do, but that it was what she wanted too. The last thing that she wanted to do was work on a case. 

“I’m recommending that you take a few days off,” the older woman continues. “And while I want to tell you to go home, get some sleep and relax, I know there’s not a chance that you will. But at least go and get some fresh clothes and a shower. You don’t want to be in this state when Alyssa wakes up.”

Emma’s breath caught in her throat. Her entire chest felt like it was contracting at the mention of Alyssa’s name, and her mind couldn’t help but go to the worst case scenario when thinking about her waking up. “I don’t know what to do.”

Dee Dee gave her a said, knowing smile. “It’s going to be okay. Alyssa is tough. But in the meantime, you need to start looking after yourself too. Everyone is worried about you. You look like you haven’t slept in days, I’m assuming you’re not eating right either.”

Before Emma knew it, her whole body was shuddering and the tears were leaking past her eyes faster than she could stop them from falling. Dee Dee pushed herself back up from the desk again and moved behind her. Emma heard the subtle click of the lock turning in the door and she knew that the older woman was offering her the only thing that she could - with the exception of a shoulder to cry on, which was unheard of by Dee Dee’s standards. Time. Dee Dee made sure that they wouldn’t be disturbed for however long it would take Emma to get the moment out of her system. She’s grateful for that at least.

* * *

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Alyssa asked after a quiet lull had taken over the space between them. She hadn’t thought that the question would catch Emma so off guard but the blonde’s face seemed to grow even paler than usual. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t slept over before. After nights spent at the bar after work, or extra hours that they poured into long cases, it wasn’t unusual for them to crash at whoever’s apartment was closest. It was what friends did. “Sorry, you don’t have to. It’s just hard being-”

“No,” Emma shook her head. “Of course I’ll stay with you tonight.”

Alyssa let out a small sigh of relief. If she was being honest with herself, she had been hoping that Emma would stop by for weeks. The blonde was one of the only people that had ever been able to make her feel grounded when she needed it most. Sometimes it felt like they were more than just partners, but that wasn’t something she was going to be quick to admit. 

“Thank you.”

Emma waited dutifully as Alyssa hobbled to the bathroom to change her dressing, only offering her help once quietly but the brunette didn’t accept it. Emma figured that it was best not to crowd her. Best to not make her feel any more incapacitated than she already was. She couldn’t help but wince though as she caught a quick glimpse of the wound healing on Alyssa’s side, her skin red and sore and bound to scar. Emma felt a twinge of guilt in her stomach as she thought back to all the times that they had joked about something like this happening - about how cool it would be to see a bit of action. All the best cops have war wounds, Emma remembered herself saying one night over a beer. She wished now that she had never opened her mouth.

Emma slinked away after a few moments, the small whimpers coming from her partner enough for her to bear for one night, and found herself settling beneath the warmth of the blankets that Alyssa had been using before.

“Em?” Alyssa called out eventually. “Could you maybe...um?”

“I, um,” Emma started. “I don’t mind sleeping out here if you need some space.”

“Do you want to sleep out here?”

Emma shook her head. “No.”

It’s only when they’re lying in bed a little later that either one of them dares to bring up the unspoken tension that had been on both of their mind, though for different reasons. Alyssa’s head tilted to the side, looking to the blonde - though Emma’s eyes were glued to the ceiling about her as though it were the most interesting paintwork that she’d ever seen. 

“Emma?” Alyssa asked softly, nudging her partner’s arm gently. 

“Yeah?"

“Thank you for, um,” she tried, finding herself to be a lot more nervous than she had initially thought about bringing it up. “I don’t remember too much but I’ve pieced things together. I remember that you were there though.”

Emma cleared her throat. “Yeah, I was.”

“They told me that if it weren’t for you,” Alyssa continued. “Well...thank you.”

Emma shook her head slightly, feeling a lump rise in her throat. “You’re my partner. I’m always going to have your back.”

“I’m always going to have your back too.”

Emma turned her head to the side, a small smile playing on her lips as she looked to the brunette - making out a few of her features in the dim light of her bedroom. The perfect slope of her nose. The curls framing her face. A moment or two later though, Alyssa’s eyes fluttered shut and her breathing began to even out for what seemed like the first time that night. It didn’t take long for Emma to fall asleep after.

* * *

In the week that Alyssa is unconscious, supported by machines and clinging on by a thread, Emma finds herself having a thousand conversations with herself. Some of them led nowhere at all. Some of them seemed to lead everywhere and more. All of them were concerned with the last few words that Alyssa had said to her that day. Emma rationalises that she was definitely delirious when she’d said it and the likelihood was that if she woke up - no, _when_ she woke up - she probably wouldn’t even remember it.

_“I love you, Emma Nolan.”_

The words rang clear in Emma’s head from the moment that she woke up in the morning to the moment that she fell asleep - and that was only if she fell asleep. There were some days where it felt more like the truth than others, where Emma could let herself believe it for just a minute, but with each day that Alyssa didn’t wake up she found herself less and less sure. For God’s sake, Alyssa had been bleeding out on the linoleum floor of their precinct. Emma would have believed her if she’d started mumbling about how up was down and the sky way green.

There was no way that Alyssa Greene could possibly feel the same way about her as she did, Emma thought. She had been in love with the brunette for over a year. Though, the more that Emma thought about it, the more she realised that she had probably been in love with Alyssa from the very first moment that they had met. How could she not. Emma had resigned herself to it never working out. And, for the most part at least, she could just about cope with that. They were partners first before anything else.

It’s also in that time that Emma finally meets Alyssa’s mother for the first time. The older woman is standing by Alyssa’s bed one morning and Emma recognises her in an instant. She’d seen a hundred photos of Veronica Greene - on Alyssa’s lockscreen, on her Facebook page - but even if she hadn’t, she would know. The resemblance between them was unmistakable. They had the same nose, and the same firm jawline, but the older woman’s complexion wasn’t nearly as dark as Alyssa’s and neither were her eyes. Emma couldn’t help but wonder if Alyssa’s mom was half as stubborn as she was. Regardless, she was just thankful that that was the morning that she had decided to face the trip back to her apartment to have a shower and pull on a clean shirt for the first time in two days.

“Hi,” Emma said as she stepped into the room, and the other woman turned. “You must be Mrs Greene?”

She offered a smile and extended a hand, but Mrs Greene didn’t accept it. Instead she reached out and hoisted Emma into a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around the blonde. Emma couldn’t help but think how she even smelled a little like Alyssa too - faintly, as though they used the same shampoo or laundry detergent. It was a homely scent that made Emma feel more at ease than anything in the world. She just hadn’t quite made the connection between that feeling and Alyssa before that moment.

“Emma?” she replied as she pulled back, looking into the blonde’s eyes. Emma gave her a small nod and a quiet ‘yes ma’am’. “Your Captain mentioned that you would be here. Or rather, that you hadn’t left. I’m glad you’re here. Alyssa would want you to be here.”

Emma let out a breath as Mrs Greene stepped away again, moving back towards her daughter. The words are tumbling past her lips before she has a chance to stop them. “You think so?”

She nods. “Alyssa always talks about you. I don’t think she could ask for a better partner.”

Emma walked round to the other side of the bed, taking her usual spot in the chair by Alyssa’s right side. The brunette was as unchanged as a few hours previous. Emma couldn’t help but feel a tinge of disappointment at the fact. It wasn’t that she thought Alyssa would be up and dancing by the time that she came back, but she hoped desperately that something would. Anything. At least she seemed comfortable though, Emma thought. If it weren’t for the tube nestled down her throat and the machines beeping around her, it would just look like she were sleeping.

“I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

“You look like you haven’t slept in days,” Mrs Greene muses as she glances back to the blonde, a knowing look taking over her face as she takes in the sight of the two girls in front of her. “Captain Allen filled me in on what happened that day. She told me that you were there.”

Emma chewed the inside of her lip. It was a habit that she had picked up on the job when thinking carefully over her words or trying not to say anything at all. Alyssa would always berate her for it. Eventually though, she gave the older woman a small nod. “I was.”

“Can you tell me what happened? I want to hear it from you.”

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think!


End file.
